same as it ever was
Wednesday, Jan. 23, 2008 - 9:44 a.m.

Sometimes I get so resentful of the situation we are in that I can't even put it into words.
I love my grandkids. I would do anything to keep them safe and happy. I would not want them to be in foster care or with anyone else.
But sometimes I get so damn mad at the situation, at my daughter, that I can't even see straight. I spent the weekend at home for most part. We went to the stock show Saturday morning. That was ok. Tough with two little kids though. Sunday we stayed home. Monday baby A got sick. She was up half the night. Yet, she STILL got up at her regular time Tuesday morning (5 a.m.). She still had a fever so we stayed home yesterday. It was a long long day with a sick toddler.
Today she is still a little bit under the weather but she went to daycare and I am back at work.
This morning I was trying to get her to take the baby tylenol. She wouldn't do it. Not even with the bribery of marshmallows once she took it. So, her I was, already late for work, trying to pry open the jaws of a child that doesn't want to take her medicine. She's screaming, I'm sweating. And all I see is her tongue pushing the bright red medicine out of her mouth the second I get it in there. Sigh. It was tough. I wanted to sit down and cry right along with her.
I just get so angry because I shouldn't be doing this anymore. I've done it all before. I paid my dues. I raised my kids. I stayed up all night with my sick, crying babies. I am pissed at my daughter that I have to do it with her kids too!!! While she sleeps away, in wonderful, no responsibilty or care in the world, luxury. I get so angry that I want to scream at the top of my lungs!
Then to top it off my daughter comes over to my house every Sunday to see baby A. She comes over at 9a.m. (well 9:15 because she is ALWAYS late) and complains that she just wants to sleep in one day! HA!!!!! She did sleep in. She has to get up at about 8a.m. or 8:30 for that matter since she doesn't even brushe her hair or teeth when she comes over, to get there by 9. Whereas I have already been up since 5a.m.!!! Yes, she wakes up at that time EVERY morning, no matter how late we keep her up the night before. Our clock reads anywhere from 5:09 to 5:11 when she comes barging in ready to start her day. On the weekends we are lucky if she will climb in to bed with us and hang out until about 5:30. So, I want to tell my daughter, don't talk to me about wanting to sleep in. Don't talk to me about being too busy and too tired. I don't want to hear it! She has no idea what it's like to raise a child. None at all. It just makes me so angry that I can't even concentrate.
I don't know how to get past these feelings. It's not fair to baby A or little E. Although I have to say I was much more patient when I did this with little E then I am with baby A. I think because, sure the first time, well, things happen. She was young, blah blah blah. But to let it happen a second time! What the hell!? You didn't figure out why they took your first kid? ANNNNND, she talks about wanting another baby. When she says stupid crap like that I just about lose it! Then she will say something like, oh not right now, but in a few years.
God help me get through this life.

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