superficial mumbo jumbo
Tuesday, Jan. 29, 2008 - 2:59 p.m.

Superficial = shallow; not profound or thorough.

Most of the time I feel like I am very superficial when I write here. Not that my thoughts are superficial. But the way I present them or the depth I go into to get my thoughts across are usually very superficial. Well, I am about to attempt to write an entry that is not so superficial. Don't know where it will go but it's been brewing in my head since Sunday morning.

J has dominated my life since the day she was born. I had never really had any type of interaction with babys at all. Never really held a baby, never changed a diaper, never had to sooth a crying baby, EVER. She was born 8 months after my mom passed away. I have two sisters and three brothers, but at that time we were all very separate, living our own lives, trying to figure it all out for ourselves. Not worrying about whether the other was doing ok or making it. I was the youngest. I was 17 when my mom died. When J was born my husband was 1,500 miles away in boot camp. My sisters were living their own lives. One sister hung out with me the day I went in to labor, the other was in the delivery room with me. However, the day I came home from the hospital with baby in tow my sister dropped me off at the curb. At-the-curb. I don't have hard feelings about that. I understand we were all young and trying to find our own way, not really even knowing one another. But, damn, I had barely changed a dozen diapers. Let alone lost nights of sleep because of a crying baby. I had no clue. My mom never had the chance to really teach me how to be a mom. I understand that too. I am not mad about that. I moved forward the best I knew how. All of this is just laying the ground work for the story I am about to tell. I am a survivor. Yes, for the first 12 or 13 years of my life my mom was a stay at home mom (my dad died when I was one). She did Everything. We were poor but I never went without the things I needed. After that she was in and out of the hospital due to a terminal illness. At first the older siblings stayed with me. After a couple of years I was on my own. By the end I was on my own for months at a time. No nurturing. I guess my mom figured I had already learned everything I needed to know to survive. She taught me how to balance her check book for gods sake. I don't blame her, she was tired. Weary. She died at 49.

I had J when I was 18 years old. I didn't have a lot of common sense back then. Baby = feed, change diaper, sleep. OK!!! Not so much.
I did what I "knew" how to do the best I knew how to do it.

So... the other day... she asked me if she spoke as well at 20 months as baby A does. I said, "no, you didn't." She looked right at me and said, "that's your fault". I said, "yes. it. is." As the days have passed this pisses me off more and more every minute. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. How many times do I have to apologize for the shortcomings of my child rearing? But. You know what? I'm not sorry!! F- that crap! I'm not sorry. I did the best with what I had. With what I was given. I moved forward every day and raised my kids the best I knew how. Do I sit back now and say, 'oh, my mom screwed me because she didn't teach me everything she thought I needed to know in life'? NO! I don't. I don't raise my hands to heaven every day and say, damn mom, that's your fault TOO! No, I lift my hands to the heavens every day and say, damn mom I wish you were still here to guide me through this. THAT'S ALL!!
J (as I said in the beginning of this entry) has dominated my life since the day she was born. I am a good parent. I was a good parent to her. Along the way she became insolent, trouble (in my ex-husbands eyes). He wanted to beat it out of her. I tried to reason with her, you know, the whole "positive reinforcement" route. Her actions were the cause of much decention between my ex and I. I figured that she would grow up, move out, and she would not be the cause of decention anymore. Yet, I find that she still is. Me and S argue about her more than any of our other children. She is still dominating my life.
So, back to the whole, it's my fault she didn't talk at 20 months. I want to say to her - Let it go! Is the fact that I didn't know how to teach you to talk at 20 months the reason you put a needle in your arm at 15? Is it the reason at 25 that you STILL put a needle in you arm? Are you a junkie because I was such an inadequate mother at 19 years old that I didn't know exactly how to allow you to excel that you feel the need to shoot heroin every chance you get??? I don't think so. Get over it!! Already!!!! Ya, I messed up!! We all do. How are you going to explain to your kids when they are 25 and 20 that they don't have the same daddy? How are you going to explain to one that you have NO CLUE who her daddy is because you were too high to know who you were sleeping with (oh, wait, that will be MY fault too! geez!)How are you going to explain to them why one lives with their grandma and grandpa and the other lives with you?? Who are you going to blame all of that on? I am thinking it's going to be me.
With all that said. I think J derives pleasure from two things. One, I think she likes to say things like that to hurt me because she knows that I feel a bit remorseful in the fact that I stuck around and subjected us to my ex's tormenting for too long. And two, I think she likes still dominating my life. She likes the fact that she knows I don't want to raise anymore kids and that I am truly suffering in parenting through two more kids while she continues to live the life she has lived for the past 10 years.

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