again and again and again.
Monday, Feb. 11, 2008 - 2:01 p.m.

I post my etnries at work (gasp! whatever...) so most of the time I get interrupted mid-post. So my posts are not quite as fluid as I would like.
My point in all of this is...
I struggle. A lot. I love my daughter. After all she is my daughter. My first-born. My flesh and blood. I Love Her! I want to like her. I want her to recall the values that I thought I instilled in her over the 15 years she lived in my home. I want her to be the person she SHOULD be. I know I can't make her be that. I can't make her love her kids any more than she does. I can't make her walk away from a person that is bad for her children. I can't make her be anything she is not. I can't. I want to. But I can't. That time has passed. I cannot lead her anymore, if that were ever really possible. But, damn, I love her. Maybe I feel like a bit of a failure, because she is not everything I hoped she would be. Maybe that is where the true work lies. HA! Maybe. Never really thought of it that way.
I just get tired. I never thought I would be raising another set of children. I love them. More than a body has a right to. Do I or did I want to raise them? No. I will raise E. That's a mute point right now. It's a done deal. Signed, Sealed, and Delivered. I'm ok with that, 99.9% of the time. I am human, I still have my moments. Baby A. Love her so much it hurts. Don't want to raise her, don't want to send her back to the lifestyle that will be hers forever if she goes back to J. IF... J says she wants her. Does she really? On good days, probably, or maybe it's the other way around, maybe it's on the really Bad days that she wants her. I don't know. I can't imagine what's going through her head. I just know that she lives the life-style, the druggie life-style whether she is getting high or not. Do I want baby A going back to that? Not really. Does it make J a completley inadequate mom? Not by any means. I'm so torn.

This is what I do know, in no uncertain terms. I will allow baby A to go back to J. Once. If That even happens. IF baby A comes back to us, I WILL fight tooth and nail to keep her with us forever more. Although I'm of the mindset right now that I won't lose a tooth or a nail to get her! That's probably what makes me the most sad. That is what truly makes me the most sad, is that I raised a child that is not willing to fight for her own children. That is the saddest part of this all. Ya, that's the worst part of it. wow... realization slapping me in the face.

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