I've gone and done it now
Monday, Mar. 24, 2008 - 2:19 p.m.

I screwed up. I let her push me to the point of no return.
J came over Saturday evening to spend Easter with the kids. She was sick when she got there. She wasn't capable of taking care of baby A. She wasn't capable of doing much. She slept all morning Sunday morning. She couldn't watch baby A all day Sunday because she was still sick. I had to tell her every time A needed her diaper changed.
Well, when all our other guests showed up (the people her age) she was actually quite well enough to hang out out front and smoke and joke with them for HOURS!!! I let it get to me. I didn't say anything. I let it build until I blew up. I lost it. I told her she needed to take care of her kids. She told me that she would if I would let her take the kids out front where all they do out there is smoke and b.s. The grandkids don't need to be out there when they are doing that. I told her that was basically a f*** you to me and S. We have one rule. The kids don't go out front and hang out with all the smokers. That's it! So, of course she told me that she would call social services and tell them to put baby A in foster care if I didn't want to take care of her anymore. I told her it wasn't about me wanting to take care of her. I told her I wasn't in the business of collecting her children. I told her all I wanted her to do was parent her kids. Some other things were said (can't remember quite what, it was in the heat of the moment). And do you know what she said to me? She said, "keep her. Just keep her." Just Keep Her??? What the hell? Who says that about their own child? I don't get it. She says she wants her back. It's all lip service.
So, I called social services that I don't want to do visits at my house anymore. Now they are going to be done at the department. That makes me sad. It tears my heart apart. I don't want J coming to my house anymore and taking advantage of S and I. The biggest part that breaks my heart is that E has grown quite fond of seeing his mom every week. That is just killing me. He won't be able to see her anymore. I will see if I can take him to the department every once in a while so he can keep seeing her. God, I hate this. This is killing me. Tearing me up inside. How do I tell E that his mom won't be coming over anymore? I am beginning to wish I hadn't told them I wanted visits at the department. But I want J to succeed or fail on her own doing. I want her to succeed because she truly wants her daughter back. Not because I give good lip service about how well I think J is doing. And on the flip side, if she fails and loses her daughter I don't want her to come to me or anyone else and say she lost her daughter because of me, because I wanted another baby. I don't want her baby. I didn't want her first baby. Like I told her, I am not in the business of collecting her kids! I just want her to do the right thing, and if she can't then, yes, I Will raise her daughter as well. But I don't want her to EVER think she can say she lost her daughter because of ME! EVER.

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