today, not yesterday or even tomorrow
Monday, Apr. 07, 2008 - 1:57 p.m.

How does a parent deal with the loss of a child? Attempt #2.
My hands are empty.
My arms are heavy.
My legs feel like they cannot carry me another step.
Yet, as some seem to think, I move forward with grace that is not usual for this type of situation.

To them, I say, you don't know. You don't know how heavy my heart is. You don't know the weight my legs carry. You don't know the burden my heart bears. YOU DON'T KNOW the emptyness my hands feel at never being able to touch my child again. YOU DON'T KNOW.

Yet, the other side of me knows I will carry these things with the same grace and dignity I have carried everything else in life.

I am ok. I Will Be Ok! Yes, I lost her. Yet, she is gone. Gone. Never to return again. Should I continue to carry that weight? Should I wear my heart on my sleeve??? No. My true family, my true friends know the burden I carry forever in my heart. But I will not allow this to weigh me down.
My two BEAUTIFUL grandchildren deserve more. They deserve a life that is not burdened with sorrow, grief, and regret.
I want to live. Live the life I am entitled to. I want them to live the life THEY are entitled to. I want happiness. I want LIFE!!!
I have told two people that my "fate" was sealed the day she died. Today I realized it was not my fate that was sealed. However, it was my destiny. I have a chance to make a difference in the lives of two very beautiful, talented, wonderful people. I plan on making the best of that.

Why not start today? Instead of 2, 5 or oven TEN years down the line. Today is the day to make a difference. Make a change for the better. I will not allow the past to dictate my future. EVER again.

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