Life just keeps going on
Thursday, May. 01, 2008 - 9:06 a.m.

S and E went to Arizona yesterday. They went down to help S's mom and dad come back up to Colorado for the summer. Baby A missed them last night. She didn't want to go to bed. She missed the kissing them good night ritual we do before bed. So we sent them a text pic blowing them kisses. It didn't help much, she still threw a fit. Hopefully tonight will be better. They won't be back until Sunday evening.
E got to fly in a plane for the first time ever! He loved it! And he's tooling around the community in a golf buggy. S pushes the gas and E steers. I guess he's pretty good at it. I'm glad he is having a good time.

I sat on the phone and talked to my sister until after 10p.m. last night. She didn't want me to be alone. She was a bit worried about me. It was nice to talk to her. I was able to talk about J and everything I've been feeling.

It's getting tougher as time goes on. I guess I figured it would get tougher, just didn't really expect all the feelings I've been feeling. I miss her. I get mad at her for leaving me to raise her two children. I get mad at her because someday I will have to explain to her two kids how their mother died. I get sad because she was such a tortured soul. Then I get happy because I know that she is in a better place and not hurting anymore. It's just a roller coaster of emotions, and I can't turn them off. I can't turn all my thoughts off. I can't stop it and sometimes I just want it all to stop. It's getting exhausting.

I'm going to start a paper journal devoted soully to the memory of J. I want to write down everything about her. I want to write down all the memories of her as they come to mind. I want to do this for her kids. I want her kids to be able to read it someday and maybe feel like they are a bit closer to their mom. Or maybe it will help them feel like they know her a little bit. I hope it helps them. I'm sure it will help me.

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