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Monday, May. 05, 2008 - 9:22 a.m.

There is nothing in life that will surprise me anymore. No more skeletons in the closet. No more, there is nothing that has not happened to me. That is a bit of an exageration but still it pretty much feels that way.

It's no secret that fidelity is not my strong point. It never has been.

My ex joined the military right after we got married. I had J and then we moved to Texas. He was stationed there for about a year and then was sent to Italy. I believe he left on a Monday. I don't know exactly how I met this man, but I did. He was a tank crewman, same thing as my dad was in the military. I was immediately smitten by him. His quiet demeanor, his shy smile. His dark brown hair. By Saturday we were living together.

Crap, I can't finish this right now.

Will continue later.

I should never say nothing would surprise me. Lordy. So... This man and I fell in love quickly, deeply. I suddenly found out I was pregnant. I didn't want to upset or lose this man at that moment. I told him the child was his. I lived eight months living this lie(?), half truth(?). I don't even know now what it was. All I knew was I was pregnant. I was 100% sure it was my ex's. But told this man it was his because I loved him so deeply and wanted to be with him so badly that I wanted to believe it was his. The time came for me to meet my husband in Italy. I said goodbye to this beautiful man. Foolishly, I sent him a birth announcement. Announcing the birth of his daughter. Yes, yes, I was that dumb. (apparently I'm still that dumb). Life went on. Events occurred, as they often do in young marriages. My ex got out of the Army. We ended up back in Colorado. One thing lead to another and I ended up alone, desolate, and homeless with a 2 year old and a 6 month old. I called up the beautiful man. I said, I want to be with you. I want to raise your daughter with you. I want you to be her daddy. Well, once again, events occurred. I left the beautiful man about 4 months later. Apparently I told him that I would tell A who her true father was, apparently I said I owed that to him. Well... I didn't. I went along for 16 more years telling my ex he was A's daddy. I told him there was no way this beautiful man was her daddy. I lived my life as if it were so. Ok, now fastforward to April 26, 2008. A is at my house, on the internet. I am getting ready to go out for a wonderful evening with S. She is on myspace. (ugh, gag, puke). She says, "do you know this guy?" I look at the picture. Nope, sure don't. "Are you sure, he knows you?" I look again. NOPE. I didn't. I knew nothing of the face I saw in the picture. I read the email. "tell your mom she is as beautiful now as she was back then. Rxx Nxxxxxxx. I turned and walked away. I Knew that man. He was the beautiful man. The one that I loved so much, and walked away from with a child he thought was his 23 years ago. She immediately asked "is that my dad?" I said, "No, your DAD is you dad!" I don't know. I had questions. I contacted him. He has believed all these years that she was his. Of course he did. I told him she was. Why would he think otherwise. I just never thought he would be getting in contact with my daughter 23 years later. I spent the evening with A on Friday. She doesn't care. She doesn't want to know. She says it won't change anything. I told her to think about it. Think about whether she wants to get a DNA test. She said she would. Well, I told beautiful man this. We spent the weekend conversing. We spent the weekend rehashing a love that shouldn't have died 23 years ago. He has never let it go. I moved on a long time ago. I thought that would be the end of it. That was going to be the end of my story when I started writing this entry this morning. Then he called. He told his wife (of 18 years) all about A. He has decided he wants to have a relationship with her. He has taken it upon himself to apply for a job in the great state of COLORADO!! They have looked into selling their house. She is willing to come out here and be a part of this becuase when A has babies she can be a Grandma (they were never able to have children). What???? You let me walk away 23 years ago. Not knowing where my life is today, or what, if anything, I have told A. And you want to walk in and shake it all up. At first I was sympathetic (two cancer scares in his life, he wants to know his life meant something). blah blah blah. Now he is willing to come in and shake it all up without even knowing 100% whether she is or not. Apparently he and his insightful wife have checked out A's pictures on myspace and determined that in fact, no doubt about it, she is his. God, when does the madness stop??? I will never again say, "nothing will surprise me". EVER!!!!!!!

As a sidenote... because I am not so angry at the moment. He was beautiful. The most beautiful man I had ever met. I have pictures of him. I've looked at them over the years. I had love letters from him. I put them away until this weekend. I read them for the first time in over 23 years. He loved me. I loved him. I think the hardest part of walking away 23 years ago was the fact that our love for each other had not died. I walked away from him to be with a man I was married to. A man I felt obligated to be with. But I LOVED this man. We were good together. Maybe what pisses me off the most is that I'm going to have to lose him all over again. I'm going to have to let go all over again. No, we're not the same as we were back then, but when I hear him laugh it takes me back to another time, another place. Our time together may have been short, but we were young, and it was INTENSE. God, I'm going to miss him all over again for a long time. That's what I think pisses me off the most about all of this. And that is stupid, naive, ignorant ME coming out of the woodworks. Damn it.

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