Time marches on
Monday, Jun. 23, 2008 - 2:04 p.m.

For a woman I would like to call my good friend -

The days keep moving forward. Every day keeps passing by like nothing ever happened. I have days. I have good days. I have really really bad days. I have days that I can't even imagine how I am going to make it through that day. I want time to stop moving forward. That is how I feel right now. I don't want time to keep marching on. I don't want to think about the time that has passed since she has been gone. 13 weeks today. I don't want to think about the infinite amount of time that is ahead of me without her.
But, I have good days. Those are the ones I need to hold onto. Yet, when I look back on the year before this I think I have an innocence in my eyes. Even though I had already been through alot by many peoples standards. I look at the pictures after March 24, and I see a different woman. I don't see me anymore, even if I look happy, it's just different. A different happy. I realized with my early birthday celebration that no matter what, she will be a part of every day of my life. Not always in a bad way, not always in a good way. But I just see in my eyes how it has affected me. It is my life though. Good, bad, right, wrong. It is who I am now.

So, I had a dream... blah blah ya, I know about dream entries. I will make it brief. She called me, in my dream. J called me on my old cell phone. The one I had when she passed away. I answered, not knowing who it was, for there was not a number displayed in the caller ID. I said, "hello?" It was her, she said, "Hi mommy, I'm just calling to tell you I'm ok." Me, "How are you doing? Do you need anything?" Her, "no, I have everything I need, I just wanted to call you and let you know I'm ok, because I know how you worry if I don't call you after a few days." I point the phone towards my man and put it on speaker phone so that he can hear her speak. I think in my mind that she is about to tell me this is all a joke and she is going to tell me where she is and that it's all going to be ok. It's silent. She, apparently, doesn't want to speak to him. I shut off the speaker phone and she says again, "I'm just calling to let you know I am ok, because I know you worry about me." Phone goes silent. S tells me to look at the caller ID to see where she is calling from. I look. Nothing. Clouds, swirling on my screen. She's gone. I wake up, and for the first time in 12 weeks I really realize, she is gone. She's not coming back. I lay in bed and cry. She is never coming back.

I truly believe she came to me in my dreams. She wanted me to know she is ok. I have only told two people about this dream. My sister asked me, "How did she sound?" In all honesty, it was her voice, but it was a happy voice. Happier than I had ever heard before. I just hope. Hope above all hopes, that she is as happy as her voice sounded in the phone call. Maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was my mind telling me it's ok to let her go and believe she is happy. I would rather believe it really was her, Telling me she was happy.

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