just keep swimming
Wednesday, Aug. 06, 2008 - 9:16 a.m.

Life is just so draining right now. It's hard for me to come here and lay it all out. Don't know if it helps to write, don't know if it makes things harder when I don't write. Not sure about much of anything anymore.

Little E had a great time in Oklahoma! His grandma took good care of him. :) After he came back though he told me that his daddy wanted him to come live with him and that he said he was going to take us to court if he had to. Nothing like a blow to a persons gut when a 6 year old tells you that. We didn't say anything to big E, but it made S mad, of course, and then some sort of silly power struggle ensued between the two grown men (even if neither will admit it). Big E basically said he was going to fight us for custody. After 6 years! Whatever. So, I understand he wants more time with his son. His feelings are valid, but to get custody after 6 years, I don't think so. Long story short, I made the big boys back up a few steps and now Big E will get to see little E more and have a more active roll in his life and S just needs to be more flexible and understanding. We don't need a court battle on our hands. So there's that. Nice!!

I have been talking with the long lost lover. I know, not the best thing to do. I'm good at making bad choices. Anyhow, he called me Monday and told me he was Ecstatic! Why? Oh, because A contacted him and wants to meet him. He is just thrilled! However, being Mr. Honesty he isn't going to bring his wife because he is afraid A will say something about the fact that he and I have been talking to each other. Whatever. Again Nice! I hate this for so many different reasons. I was hoping she would not want to meet him. I was hoping she wouldn't pursue it. He is so insistent that she is his daughter. Part of me wants them to get tested and have him find out she is not. But I'm not 100% sure, so I don't want them to. See? Confused much?

And then there is J. Miss her more every day. 20 weeks it's been. I know, everyone says it will get easier as time goes on. And I do know that 20 weeks is not a long time. It seems like an eternity already, but only in the sense that I miss her more and more all the time. I catch myself thinking things like "Oh, I will have to tell J this when she gets back". Like she is actually coming back from somewhere! And then just as quickly I realize she's NOT coming back, there is no coming back from anywhere. Hate it.

Something good... something good... can't really think of anything right now. Well, baby A is just about potty trained! I guess that's something good! There you have it.

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